Mikoto Rou

I used to have this dream.

It was many years ago, possibly the first time Nomura got truly involved with another man while living under my roof. Of course, I knew it-I didn't say anything, but I watched him. I knew I couldn't stop him from seeing other men if that was what he needed. We weren't really in a "relationship".  One night, he went straight to his room, looking distraught. It's not like Nomura to be upset; I figured he'd broken up with the other man.

Then, he started rifling through his things, and I knew that he'd not reached that quite yet; rather, he'd been given an ultimatum. "I won't date you if you continue to live with another man," or something like that.  I wanted to reach out to him and tell him not to go, but I could not. Such was not my place. I continued to watch. He seemed to be surveying what he could take with him, taking some items out and laying them out on the floor-but then he put them away.

In my dream, he didn't put those things away. The next morning, he was not there, leaving only a short note in his place, thanking me for his hospitality. I could not chase after him, and he did not come back. I did not see Nomura-san ever again.

I never had a daughter, and I never had a son.
In other words-I had nothing to live for.
And I had nothing to die for.
I died alone.

Then I woke up.

Which world was real? To me, the world where Nomura left me then made far more sense. But then, I thought, If that is reality, then I wish I would sleep forever.

The day I arrived here in the second plane of heaven, the first time I opened my eyes-there he was, Nomura Kokoro-kun, looking straight at me. "I missed you!" he cried, his mouth quivering a little bit. It had hardly been a month and a half since they'd been separated, but he cried, just one or two tears. "It seemed like forever…"

"You're not supposed to miss people here," I said. "Isn't that sadness?"

"How could I not miss you?" Nomura replied. "I don't care where it is, if we have to be separate… Because, you gave my life meaning. It's thanks to you I'm even here. I need you, because…"

It's me who should be saying that. "You gave me a reason to live," I completed.

"Well, yes." He smiled. "Before I met you, I had nobody to live for, nobody at all. That's why I was a ghost, anyway!"

Why can't I just tell you how I feel? "…I guess so."

Much to his own happiness, Nomura's beautiful golden hair had returned, but he didn't look nearly as different as I did. My whole appearance was totally different from what it had been before, and it took a while to get used to. None of my old clothes seemed to go with my new skin color, and many of them didn't even fit.

"I still think you're handsome," he announced, as if he'd read my mind. "Actually, this suits you just as well-but, ugh, not that color."

"Thank you," I answered before putting away the shirt I had been trying on.

"There's no need to be all depressed," Nomura continued on. "Your eyes, those were always the best part, and those are the same… and your face is not that different. It's equally as handsome. And your hair-we'll dye that, if you want. Although I think it's kind of cool, I mean, you have a great heritage for sure, it's something to be proud of!"

I pretended not to care, but honestly, I did feel a little reassured. My good looks had always been something I could count on; now, I didn't feel so sure anymore, and thinking that maybe Nomura didn't like it as much made me a bit uneasy. What really bothered me now, and I wasn't really sure why, was that I was no longer any taller than Nomura. I was the same height. I had always liked being taller…

To worry about how I looked, my height! It had been a long time since I could even consider such things. That knowledge alone was enough for me.

That dream-I had dreamed it just that night, yet it was but a distant nightmare. Now, perhaps I truly could be with Nomura forever. We went out that night, browsing shops and looking for a good place to eat, for once with no time constraints, and holding hands… Holding hands in public…

I never want to lose you like that, I thought, unable to say anything like that aloud. I want you to be only mine…

It was then that I eyed a store obviously filled with traditional clothing. Bright, festive yukata were displayed in the window, but beyond that, in the shop's far corner, I spotted a somber black yui-no hakama*.

I knew that if I wanted Nomura to stay, I would have to step up a little bit. Try to meet his needs. Honestly, I had always been scared of this. But now things were different. This was the afterlife-why be scared?

"That place smells good," he said suddenly, grinning and pointing at a restaurant across the street.

"Sure," I agreed. "Let's go-I want to talk to you."

"Okay," the younger man answered, looking faintly confused.

That was the last time I had one of those dreams.

My name is Rou no Mikoto. I am the son of Izanami no Mikoto and Kokutan no Mikoto, the only half-brother of Jin and the other eleven spirits created by Kokutan. More importantly, I have two adopted children, and I'm recently married to my partner, Nomura Hideki Kokoro.

And this is how my story ends.

One day about sunset, Zhuangzi dozed off and dreamed that he turned into a butterfly.
He flapped his wings and sure enough he was a butterfly...
What a joyful feeling as he fluttered about, he completely forgot that he was Zhuangzi.
Soon though, he realized that that proud butterfly was really Zhuangzi who dreamed he was a butterfly, or was it a butterfly who dreamed he was Zhuangzi!
Maybe Zhuangzi was the butterfly, and maybe the butterfly was Zhuangzi?